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April is my anniversary month. Three years ago on April 20, 2020, masked and with only the officiant as our witness, I married my partner. We hadn't dated for long before tying the knot. Like, we knew kind of early in that this was going to be a thing. I had just started to learn how to trust my intuition, and it was a full YES, GO. I'm so glad I did, because I was right. My partner is fantastic, and has taught me so much about what it means to go from disorganized attachment to a more secure attachment style.
One thing that I didn't account for in that transition in attachment styles after leaving my last partner, who was 24 years my senior, was all of the unlearning I'd have to do. The unlearning I continue to do. I feel like there were days where I'd mention my ex daily, as if waking from a spell, realizing how much I had settled for in the past, now that I'm with a partner that truly prioritizes my happiness and is emotionally intelligent enough to change their mind with new information and apologize if needed. It felt almost unfair, and still does from time to time - to be in an amazing, secure, and sweet relationship, yet be haunted by the ghosts of the mistakes you've made in the past and the ways they twisted your thinking against yourself.
For instance, my ex had an issue with me spending a lot of time online, and sharing my life or any confident moments on social. He saw everything as a thirst trap, as a cry for attention, and the conversation usually resulted in me not sharing things, or worse, me cultivating this sort of façade of perfection (or an attempt at it) that I could present to all. Even to this day, I will hesitate to post things, or worse, just delete them completely without posting them. His constant questioning of who I was posting for made me start to truly believe that I didn't deserve to take up space. He would accuse me of cheating on him in several arguments. It started to feel like posting myself on a good day just felt like it was inviting more trouble than it was worth. I slowly stopped taking up a lot of space, not sharing a lot of details about my life, because it was just easier that way for me to avoid the fighting that would go on into the night.
But life isn't like that now. Years of therapy and a kind, patient partner have helped. More and more, I've been sharing bits of myself on social, and it feels good. It feels like there's a space for me, still. I've definitely been healing through having a partner that isn't a jealous piece of shit. That's been incredibly helpful over the years. But as a Scorpio, sometimes I wonder if I will ever be done unlearning this ex of mine. To not automatically compare x or y situation I'm going through to how he would handle them. Sometimes, I'll go into flashback mode, almost anticipating arguments and breakdowns in communication. But they aren't there. As Taylor Swift sings, “but the monsters turned out to be just trees.”
I'm thankful for the patience of my spouse, because sometimes in this cPTSD brain, those trees do turn into monsters. I can get frustrated when these situations pop up and I'm back in those traumatized times, especially after four years of unlearning, of four years of growing my own agency again. I can get defensive and lash out first before I can potentially get hurt by others. My brain can sometimes be my biggest enemy, making my body feel like I'm back in those times, experiencing those things as if they were real-time. Ruminating in an anxiety spiral can sometimes feel like putting on my favorite pair of cozy sweatpants. It's so comfortable, it's so familiar, and it feels like it could become an easy default for me. It takes actual conscious work to not live in the patterns that I created in that past relationship.
All of this to say, unlearning is a process, maybe more so than learning was in the first place. Processes require patience, which feels so thin and so tenuous sometimes. It's really a test of strength to sit with yourself with patience in this unlearning. Patience is coming easier for me in this season of life, so I will continue to be patient with The Great Unlearning.
Unlearning can be a great thing. Not just in love, but societally as well. We all could use some unlearning from the capitalist white supremacist society we've grown up in, yes?
What are you trying to unlearn?