It’s hard for me to isolate just one instance in which I have played small. That’s how often I do it. It’s as natural to me at this point as breathing air. Growing up, I learned that to stay safe, I stayed out of the way - after making sure that everyone else was happy.
Since I learned to stay safe by giving myself up, I defaulted to a mode of constantly giving myself up, with no boundaries. Constantly seeking validation from the people I bent over backwards to please.
And the body does really communicate its knowing, even when I ignored it. The soft, striking realization that I’ve done it again, disregarded my likes or dislikes out of a fear of abandonment. It would get louder and louder, and became impossible to ignore.
I realized recently that I can never be fully abandoned. I’m developing a more secure attachment with myself. I got my own back.
I feel regret and embarrassment at the sheer amount of my own power that I have just willingly handed over to others, and mortified at getting so hurt or upset about it.
It was playing small that had me handing over the keys to my kingdoms, shrinking further and giving more of myself with no return on investment.
I have reclaimed all of that lost power, and continue reclaiming it, because I’ve stayed quiet, small, meek for too long.
When things ended between my last partner and I, he was so keen to control the narrative that it furthered the removal of my power.
He was all about the poetry and prose, but only publicly on my Facebook wall for everyone else to see. So that I was sure to hear about how sweet and amazing he was from others, while behind the scenes it was walking on eggshells, making myself small to escape his scrutiny, and dealing with the jealousy-driven fights.
I started taking my power back when I left.
When I decided to do something for me. When I changed the locks in the middle of the day. When I wouldn’t let him do it any other way than my way. When he threatened me and I laughed in his face. When I never talked to him again.
After a lifetime of playing small, a lifetime over bending over backwards, I broke. I deserve to take up space, so I’ve started slowly taking up space. I deserve to be seen and heard, so here I am, being seen and heard.
And it’s been some of the most delicious stuff I’ve ever done. Can’t wait to talk more about it - along with lots of other juicy stuff.